Behind the door | Ethnophile but not a swinger

The press offers you a weekly testimony intended to illustrate what really happens behind the bedroom door, in the privacy, away from statistics and standards. Today: Christopher*, 60

Posted at 5:00 p.m

Silvia Galipeau

Silvia Galipeau
The press

Christopher likes women from elsewhere. That doesn’t make him a racist, but an ethnophile, he believes. Except that the climax of his story isn’t there. But on his winding journey to reach this conclusion. Or rather decipher it. Decipher. Explanations.

It looks so complicated, but it’s really simple. That’s because Christopher wrote to us earlier this spring in response to a statement from one Laurence, a thirty-year-old feminist with an unspeakable imagination, she believed: Blacks. “It’s not racism! “, our interlocutor, half amused, half shocked, ignited, sitting in front of a beer, at the beginning of summer. Racism is something negative for me. I don’t call being attracted racist, I call it ethnophile or ethnosexual ! »

Our man knows what he is talking about: He has been living a real “love at first sight” for a woman from Africa for three years. Except that by hearing his story, we see that his story is elsewhere. Let’s assume this love at first sight might have been fueled by an otherwise troubled, if at least unfortunate, past. But read instead.

Christopher had an awakening to sexuality “like everyone else,” he chuckles with a big, open laugh, “as embarrassing as a normal teenager.” Between the ages of 15 and 25, he has several adventures before meeting a woman with whom he spends more than 20 years. Nothing special to report so far. And indeed, at this point in the interview, our interlocutor does not seem to want to say much more.

In bed ? “Very good years, but how many did we drive around at some point,” he answers simply. But still ? “Drilling at first, he continues, and then it got complicated. »

Complicated how? We will have to cook it for a long time. Out of modesty, or perhaps to cover his tracks and maintain his anonymity, Christopher quickly jumps to his now-wife to return to the subject of “racism” or, sorry, ethnophilia :

The quality of sexuality has nothing to do with skin color, but with chemistry.

Christopher

Certainly, but going back to his previous relationship, allow us to insist.

So here it is, he finally admits (“and I could feed three of your columns!”): It’s that after a few years and after starting a family, Madame wanted to explore the side of swinging. The affair lasted, wait a minute, more than 10 years with a select few friends. Christopher isn’t opposed at first, although he doesn’t seem too keen on the idea of ​​the couple in question. With good reason: “I think she was probably in love with the guy, and I wasn’t very attracted to the girl. Especially since they were friends…”

Still, their first explorations are pretty “funny,” “we didn’t take each other seriously,” and yes, he “stumbled.” “As long as it’s not serious, you trip.”

Four or two of you are about to set off. “Everyone on their side. “Because they weren’t ‘mixists’ but strictly speaking ‘swingers’, we get it.

But ? Here we are. Here Christopher’s tongue loosens. “That’s where feelings get mixed up. […] With two it’s already complicated, with four it’s four times more complicated. […] And eventually the other took up more space. He was taking up too much space in her head. […] It wasn’t just a game anymore, and it wasn’t fun anymore. »

Basically, we decipher, the relationship between madame and (the other) monsieur is archi- ‘complicated’, ‘there was bickering, jealousy, shit’. “I didn’t want to go through that! On his side and with (the other) lady, he had “better chemistry” over time and given the circumstances.

No, he didn’t “fall in love” with her, but “in love,” he nuanced. “Was that love?” Above all, it has become easier to be with each other. »

In fact, the relationship between the four has become so “heavy” that our man took a break from all these beautiful people for a few months. “And I never came back. »

The end of the story ? Without hesitation. “I turned the page,” Christopher confirms. Besides, he never talks about it. To nobody. His current wife is not even aware of his explorations. Why is that ? “It bothers people,” he fears.

[L’échangisme], it creates judgment and it doesn’t mislead me. And then nobody cares!

Christopher

When he speaks about it today and here, “it may be that he helps people who are going through similar things,” he says. “For me, it’s something I’ve experienced and don’t want to experience again. […] I knew it could go wrong, and it did. […] Because you lose control. I played by the game, but then again, it wasn’t a game and when people experience that, it has to be done with a lot of transparency and honesty. And I think that we had a weak point in our quartet. But that’s my opinion! »

And the relationship with his current spouse? When he met her rather accidentally after his breakup (“I was really alone and I thought I was going to be alone!”), he came to this conclusion. “I will be stubborn towards feminists, but African women have a more traditional view of the role of man and woman,” he says. The man is traditionally the breadwinner and the woman does the housework. Not what I was looking for, but it’s not complicated. And we will have understood what Christopher gave in the field of complications.

“If you don’t argue about everyday things in bed, you don’t hang around in frustration,” he says.

But that’s not all. This “traditional” side, as he says, goes on. “She’s invested and loyal and I know it. She won’t tell me in the morning that she wants to make one Trip three or four. And I, I turned the page, he repeats. I’m not very open to open couples. […] Having lived through it and hit rock bottom, I’m not interested in living it again. Maybe that’s why it’s reassuring to find myself in a monogamous and stable couple…”

* Fictitious first names to protect anonymity

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